Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Shooting investigation

Security guard who stopped shooter credits God

The police inspector would like witnesses who might have seen this God to come forward.

The shooter appears to have been killed by Jeanne Assam, a church security guard with law enforcement experience.
Other testimony by Assam where she states that she fired her own weapon at the invader and stopped his attack, a version of events that currently seems to be backed up by all available evidence, contradicts her statements that God did it or had anything to do with shooting the assailant.

When questioned for a description and whereabouts of God, Assam said that everybody knew him and that he was everywhere but consistent physical descriptions seemed impossible.  Apparently his main residence is the church but a quick search of the premises turned up nothing.

Also the exact involvement of (Mr.?) God is very conflicting, according to witnesses he seems to have been at multiple places at the same time and was involved in changing certain events in completely undetectable and natural ways, among other actions he supposedly changing bullet trajectory to exactly how the bullet would have traveled without God's intervention or providing cover for people who were already out of the gunman's sight.  The main activity of this God character however seems to have been emotional support into accepting events as they unfolded, police are thinking about maybe somebody with experience as a motivational speaker.

In further investigation it has come to the attention of the police that the shooter may have also credited God with some part in his actions, this together with the apparent fact that God seems to have witnessed almost all of the action first hand it should be obvious that it is imperative for this God to come forward and give his version of the events.  Some witnesses also mention a Mr. Spirit Holy but it seems that he was teacher who taught people how to deal with these kinds of situation and was not actually physically there.
Police say that God can give anonymous testimony should he so wish but still urge him to come forward.

update: God's guidance not so accurate

satire end

My condolences to the friends and family of the victims and even to the friends and family of the gunman who will face a lot of hardship and isolation over something for which they had little or no control.